User blog:THEJJRAT/Things
Kk Yes, I'm going to write about Purps and Fathers adventure. Some day. ______________ "OH GOD" Father tried to catch his breath, and vomited near in a bush. Him and Vincent had crashed a TARDIS into Trump Tower. "BIBPD!" A police officer yelled, in front of an entire army of SWAT teams, the military, MTF, and people wielding Fatman launchers. "I CANT GO BACK TO JAIL" Vincent panicked. "ME NEITHER" said Father in panic. "Bulldozer, out of the way!" Three Skulldozers had arrived, holding Pokèballs filled with Cloakers. Father's brain shut off and went into "don't go to jail" mode. He grabbed Vincent and flew away, them both screaming. They crash landed through the window of their own house. "WHAT" Mother screamed, she was sucking off Donald Trump. "See ya lateh asshowls" Trump says and escapes via air vent. "Honey, why?!" Father cried. "He was going to give me a small loan of a million dollars" Father sobbed and died of a heart attack and came back to life. Mother did the same but stayed dead. Vincent used his magic toast to revive her. Kk Father was in his personal quarters within the Paranormal Investigation Bureau, on Floor 989 of the basement. The room was dark, only a few candles placed in certain spots illuminating the room. He was on his knees, praying to a deity named Gorr'Rylaehotep. He was also wearing black robes, and a white plastic mask. He opens his eyes, finished. He stands, and turns the lights back on. He blows out the flames of the candles and dresses in his regular attire. "Um, sir, some people are asking for you." Soup Salad, a paranormal investigator, knocked on the door and alerted him. "Who?" "They call themselves 'The Collective'." Mk Father tore open the box. It contained these things: An envelope, a paper, three fortune cookies, a copy of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, and a rubber ball. He tore the top off the envelope and emptied its contents onto the floor. It was another paper, a picture of a journal, and a gold cold with an X crossed through it. He took the paper and read it. "GIVE IT TO US" It read. He looked at the back, it had the rune. He crumbled it and threw it aside. He took the other paper and read it. "YOU WERE ON OUR LIST FOR A LONG TIME. I SUGGETSTDTDTST- I am Firebrand. I am holding him off for as long as I can. Do not let him or the Administrator get that journal you have, or all will fall. He cannot touch your house, but he can- SHUT THE FUCK UP" He put the paper in his pocket, put everything back into the box, and headed for the elevator. Kkkkk Father burst open a door to his right, tripping and falling down a fleet of stairs. He groaned and looked up. He was in the Sixth Dimension. "THIS IS HILARIOUS". These were the words running through his head. He got up and saw it. Larvia, God of Darkness. He screams, and the creature teleports to him and kicks him. He was now in his office, with a box in his lap. "DONT SPEND IT ALL" was written on it. Kkkkk Father shut the door and locked it. He was in his room on the surface. He poured salt on his windows and loaded his revolver with silver bullets. He also drew the rune on it with a silver marker. He opened his closet and pulled out his PS2. He opened the slot and stuck the San Andreas disk in. The intro played, but it was replaced with pictures of Gorr'rylaehotep eating the insides of a rat. It automatically loaded up a save after. The game played normally, but CJ was carrying a journal, and he looked like Donald Trump. Big Smoke was following him. "YO CJ WHATU DOIN NIGGA" Smoke asks CJ. "Cyka blyat" says CJ. Father lost control of CJ. CJ grabbed Smoke and threw him into the screen. "AHHHHHHH" Big Smoke screams. He flies out the TV screen and lands next to father. "AHHHHHHHHH" "AHHHHHHHHH" they scream in chorus. Big Smoke looked exactly how he did in the game, except he was now physical. He did a bigger ass, however. Only two pixels bigger. "WHAT" Smoke says. He didn't understand how everything was so....realistic. "THE FUK" he yells. His brain couldn't handle it. Father slapped him in the low poly nuts. "GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHA NIGGA" "OHHHHHHHHHHHH" Suddenly, CJ started laughing. His eyes started bleeding. However, Father gained control of him again. Father made him hijack a car. The driver was Jay Merrick. The citizen skinned as Jay runs away, but is fatally stabbed by The Operator as he appears in front of him and impales him. "dam dat shit creepy" Smoke admits. Father ran over random citizens, but was stopped by a cop who looked like Shrek. The cop headshot CJ. Instead of the normal WASTED, it was "DENIED" in Comic Sans. The game then goes through a loading screen and finishes. CJ is now in a forest, and the game is first person. He only has a flash light. Father roams the forest, and finds a note stuck to a tree. He takes the note with the X button, and it is added to his inventory. He pulls out the page with the weapon slider, which was Half Life 2's weapon slots. It was the torn apart anus of a goat. "WHAT" Big Smoke announced. Father only became aroused. They knew what tickled his pickle. Suddenly, CJ turns. There is a Pickle with tentacles there. "I am pickleman" he then rapes CJ. Pickle Man comes out of the screen. "AHHHHH" they are all spooked. Pickle Man jumps out the window. Big Smoke and Father stare at each other for a moment. They then fondle their balls. "Father, I just met you, this is crazy, can I have some weed" "yeah mah nigga" Suddenly, the PS2 shut off. Father put the game back in it's case and put it in his pocket. "Come on" Big Smoke follows Father to an elevator. They arrive at Floor -0, a floor located in the Fourth World. It was filled with memorabilia and artifacts relating to Gorr'rylaehotep. There were also tapes belonging to his victims. Father make a bong appear. In his realm, Father could create whatever he wanted. As long as it abides by Gorr'rylaehotep's rules. He created a joint for Big Smoke as well. Father threw the box, and the San Andreas case, in a drawer of minor artifacts and then they got high as Donald Trump's wall. Kkkkk Big Smoke was sleeping on a plate of cardboard on the ground, covered in whale semen and cannabis. Father was sitting on a chair with wheels, chugging a bottle of Scotch. He wiped the substance off his lips with his arm, and he realized something. That journal stuff. He pulled the drawer he out the disk in and pulled the journal out. It was given to him by his old war buddy, Karl Maxwell. An exact copy. This journal contained forbidden knowledge. He stuffed it in his jacket. He couldn't risk it being in the exact spot the Collective expect it to be. Suddenly, Big Smoke awakened. "I CAN HEAR THOUSANDS OF BIG SMOKES CALLING FOR HELP...AND SUDDENLY BEING SILENCED" he yells. "What" "U GOT A ROCKET SHIP" "yeah" "ok" Kkkkk Father led Big Smoke into a dark room, within Floor 2 of the Basement. He called it "Memory Lane". He turned the lights on with his brain. There were multiple mementos from his travels, including ancient artifacts, clothing of the villains of his past, dinosaur skeletons, rare metals, weaponry, and other. Right in the middle of two World War II gun racks, there was a giant structure covered in a white clothe. "Da heeeeeeellllll is dat mah nigga" Father Pooper approached the machine, a tear leaving his eye. "Your destiny." He tore off the clothe, revealing the structure. It was a ship. It was made of glossy white metal, with the SCP Foundation logo on the tip and sides, and it had the outline of the door on it's front. "The Darkness. Hoho, me and my old friends loved this thing." Father cracked a smile. "I should get the team back together..." He thought. "Well, what is it?" "A spaceship. The spaceship that changed my life." He said, and touched the shiny white walls. This activated the door, it turned down and revealed a plate of metal to stand on. "Ready to fuck some shit up?" Kkkkkkk "Where we goin'?" Father asked, he jumped into the pilot seat. "Raxus Prime...I dunno, it just popped into my brain." The low poly Big Smoke said. "Sure thing. First, let's go get something to eat before the Intergalactic Llama Police find us. This ship is way outta style." "Who dat, Holmes?" "Like the FIB of where you live, except in space." "Damn, holmes." Big Smoke exclaimed, and looked out a window and pondered about life before he became real. He remembered all the fun times he and CJ had, when they were trying to catch the train...All he had to do was follow the damn train... Father drove the ship over to a building floating in space. It was labeled "Trumpian Diner Dash", as this was the billboard in orbit of the building. Father parked in the drive threw of the area. "How may I help you?" A man who looked like Donald Trump opened the sliding window and asked. "What do you want, Smoke?" Father asked, doing that thing where you rest your shoulder on the edge of the seat and do that smug look at someone. "I'll have 2 number 9's, a number 9 large, a number 6 with extra dip, a number 7, 2 number 45's, one with cheese and a large soda." Big Smoke shouted out the window. "Sure thing, sir." The kind man said with a warm smile and turned around. A few minutes later, the man returned with a brown paper bag with grease marks on the bottom. "Here you go, sirs." The trump man said and handed Father the bag. Father pulled out a bag of uranium coins and handed it to him. The man nodded and saluted the ship flew off. Kkkk Sister Pooper is sitting on the couch, watching Bleach. "SISTER WHT ARR YOU BEING SICH A FAGGOT" Josh groans. "FUKIN GOTHAM IS ONNNNNNN" he groans harder. "IM WATCHING MAH ANYMAYS!!!!!!!1" he screeches at the top of her lungs. Josh screams in pain as his ear drums are violated. Suddenly, Sister gets a text on her iPhone that had an anime booty on the back, and a Pokèmon background. "Iz tiem" Sister knew what to do. She jumped off her couch and ran as fast as her stupid legs could go fast and jumped down a pole, into the WeebCave. There, he hopped on her pink chair and swiveled to the OtakuComputer. "A kawaii girl is being kidnapped by those meanie Llama policies! uguu~" said her neko computer. She got her WeebWoman costume on and hopped in her WeebMobile. She then drove into the dark city of Butt-in-Burg. She spotted three llamas wearing police uniforms and giant police UFOs approaching an anime girl with blue squid hair and one of those open sweaters. She burst into action. She pulled out her trusty Jericho 941 and fired at the llama police. They instantly returned fire with their laser machine guns. Soon, a SWAT team arrived. WeebWoman was cornered. She dropped a small nuclear bomb on them and snatched the girl and hopped back in the WeebMobile. "What's your name" She asks, trying to sound like Batman. "Aizkio Kazumi, also known as Most Original Name Ever. Desu." She said, winking. They soon arrive at the WeebCave. "You are free to be here, Aizkio-Chan, but don't go into the upper levelz." She said, and threw a smoke bomb on the ground and disappeared. Another day won by the evil WeebWoman. Kkk Sister Pooper was in her room, which had anime on every single atom in the entire room painted on, on her bed. White and pink sheets, two waifu pillows, and a horde of plushies. She was texting her other weeb friendos on Wattpad. Suddenly, a rock was thrown at her window. It penetrated the hard, sweaty, thick, moist glass and landed on her desk. It had a fortune cookie tied to it. She approached, and cracked the cookie. "DEATH TO ALL LLAMAS" it said. Sister knew what to do. She threw the cookie in her mouth and jumped out the already broken window, the class cutting down her entire back. This didn't bother her however, as she kept on swimming. She ran to the street, and bumped into Purple Guy. "Hands up lawbreaker" he said and aimed a Python revolver on her head. He was an undercover llama police agent. He cuffed her and sent her to the slammer. There, she traded some ramen noodles to an inmate for a C4 and broke all the anime girls out, including herself. But she wasn't an anime girl. She was a filthy wannabe. She stole a spaceship and landed on Earth. She was at a KFC. There was a neko girl with spooky wraps on her mouth sitting at a table, eating top ramen and pocky sticks. Soon, a SWAT team infiltrated the area. "PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR FUCKING HEAD" a humanoid llama police man screamed and shot in the ceiling with his Remington 870. She started sobbing, and she was cuffed. Sister shot a llama in the head. "WHAT THE SHIT" he screamed and regrew his head. He slapped the gun out of her hand and ate it. Sister fled, but snatched the cuffed robo headphone neko. Shrek and Drek were battling on the freeway, so they had to call the WeebWing. They then flew to the WeebCave. "What is name" "Bobby Joe-chan." "ok" Bbbb THIS GOES AGAINST ALL OF OUR RULES AND ETHICS, FELLOW LLAMAS. BUT TWO ANIME GIRLS HAVE BREACHED THE ANIMEVERSE. DO NOT SEEK THEM OUT. DO NOT LET WEEBWOMAN CAPTURE THEM. THEY MUST REMAIN UNHARMED AND FREE. THEY POSSESS WORLD BENDING POWERS AND OTHER ABILITIES IN WHICH NOT EVEN THE FOUNDATION HAVE ENCOUNTERED. WE ARE SENDING IN TASK FORCE X. REPEAT DO NOT ENGAGE Kkkk wake me up wake me up inside save me Long ago, I visited a curious reality. One where Earth was a barren wasteland, where humans were kept in bleeding suits. I believe it was called Earth-900000. I was there to speak with Shrek, who was buying himself a "Warframe" while trying to find a sandwich that somebody shot into outerspace. While we spoke, I told him that he couldn't go jumping universes like this. He told me to stick a "dildoh" up my "arse" and shakes his genitals infront of me before jumping out a window. Before leaving the reality, I ordered a pizza. Just to see how it tasted in this realm. I was greeted by a "tenno", who was a pizza boy. He gave me a pizza and shot webbing out of his wrists, swinging away. After tucking the pizza up my anus for save keeping, I use my flying abilities to stalk him. I find him in his ship, smuggling hundreds of pounds of skatole into Mars, as it was an important pizza ingredient. After selling the skatole to Mr. Aziz, he traveled to Mercury and fought beings who were made of sentient pizzas, as this was a common disease in the reality. Some had seen him do this, and dubbed him "SpiderTenno". Pizza boy by day, Spidertenno also by day. I stole all his pizza and left the universe. 2 Ah, yes, the Great Mozzarella Stick war of 1992. I remember it like it was yesterday. An American citizen was walking his dog when he spilled his soda on a Russian, who then bashed his skull open with a bottle of vodka. This caused an explosion which made the fried cheese sticks, that the President of the United States was about to eat, vanish out of thin air. This caused the greatest war known to man-kind. Russia and America duked it out, sending out squadrons of highly trained super soldiers. HECU was sent up against the Russian Armed Forces, resulting in the Statue of Liberty coming alive. The statue marched into Russia and shot nukes out of it's eyes, everybody hiding in metro tunnels. Russia then nuked America four hundred times, resulting in the death of George Lucas. America then nuked Russia, resulting in the death of Putin's dog. However, the presidents of both countries got along when they got tricked into going to a tea party together. All was well. And every Russian president since has cooked the President of Murica some cheese sticks. k Scoots here. Alot of stuff about necros are... hidden. There was a page about them, but it's burnt to a crisp. I bite tiny pieces out of it sometimes. Anyway, it's hidden in spaghetti ink. That's invisible to the naked eye. Luckily, I have pyrovision goggles. I've documented what I've found here. BrethrnenMoons God help us if one orbits around Earth. Blood Moons are giant zombies, to put it short. Made up of flesh and bone, dead tissue. They morph into horrific beings, their skin and organs horribly disfigured and often growing weapons (like blades). They will kill everything other than themselves, trying not to injure limbs.. You know why we don't find aliens that often? Why there's only few intelligent species, such as the trumpians? They ate them. The Brethren Moons ate them. The Brethren Moons are them. They scare me. Make me angry sometimes. Destroying planets rich with knowledge and innocent life, and sucking all of it's life up and making it into a huge fucking zombie. Sure, you can shoot a dickton of Markers into it (making it explode), but we don't even know where all of them are. The Foundation isn't going to give them up, that's for sure. Necromorphs Necromorphs Victims, minions, zombies, whatever you want to call them. The Brethren Moons and the Markers make them this. The "infection" reanimates them. The Markers send an electromagnetic signal that changes dead tissue. Turns them into necromorph, bringing them back to life. They can't die. They're immortal. Unless you chop their limbs off. Without limbs, the infection determines them as useless. Kills them off, kind of like a mercy kill. A mercy kill with bad intentions. Mrkers Mrkers Bait. It's bait. They're statues, big, hulking statues. They promise us riches, energy, other shit that people crave. Black ones are markers made by "aliens", red ones are created by.. us. We're so fucking stubborn, aren't we? They're dotted across the planet. Some are in containment while some are out in the open, either bring researched, worshipped, pissed on, or are waiting to be discovered. They make you sick. Dementia. The Foundation is so ignorant... They think they can contain it. Dig it so far underground that it won't effect anybody. In a few thousand years, maybe millions, when you're gone, people are going to dig it up. And they're all going to die. Intelligence It seems the Trumpians have made a breakthrough. Many of the necromorphs that plagued the planet have shown signs of intelligence. Some can cook, build, fly, and even speak. This may mean that after the Blood Moons were destroyed (even though one still orbits it), they somehow gained control of themselves and can use their brain. I thought their brains were mush, or mashed into chunks. Who knows, maybe it's magic. Mameuswhjol ?????!! kk Jack'O Pooper was in the first floor of the basement, rummaging through a chest. He was trying to find his old fried chicken recipe, as the crate was full of papers. Instead, he found a few slender pages and nothing more. He screamed in unsuccessfully booty. Suddenly, a page in the chest caught his eye. It was a picture of two knives, and a list that he couldn't quite focus on. He grabbed the page and looked at it. It was the instructions to open a portal. "do dis later - father poopah" was written on the bottom. Apparently, he was supposed to collect an ancient knife two years ago but didn't. Jack'O nodded at it and began the portal making. He hauled a large square brick of butter into a center of a red pentagram he drew. He then chopped some onions onto it, poured some olive oil on it, and lit a human heart on fire and dropped it on the butter. He then dragged an corpse to the butter, and dropped to his knees. He sacrificed it all to the daedric prince Hermaeus Mora. Suddenly, a bright light flashed before his eyes and he went flying across the room, becoming stuck to a wall. As his vision cleared, there was a red portal where the pentagram was. He then proceeded to run into the portal. Kk Jack'O found himself plummeting to a fleshy ground, and then screamed when he realized he was doing this action. It suddenly stopped. Everything stopped. "am i dead" he asked himself. No, he wasn't. Instead, he was stuck on a giant spider web sprouting from two trees. "oh shit" he struggled, in fear that a giant alien spider will eat him, and fell to the ground. He coughed, and looked up. He saw a man in a red suit with a spider logo in the middle. "what" he asked. "I'm your friendly neighborhood Spider Man." The man who looked shockingly like Tobey Maguire said. "Oh" Jack'O said and slowly pushed himself up with his arms. Spiderman was followed by a number of others. Mercy from Overwatch tried to heal him (as the dirt of the planet was eating at his flesh) but the Medic from TF2 smacked her ass and did it instead. "nO" Mercy screamed, unsuccessful in healing Jack'O. She fell to the ground and cried. "And zat vas doktor assisted homicide" the Medic said and smacked his own ass and laughed maniacally. "Why are you here" A man wielding a plasma rifle and wearing Advanced Power Armor Mk.II armor asked. "I came here looking for a knife" Jack'O said. They all looked at eachother and turned to Jack. "As the rest of us." They all say in chorus. Suddenly, Erza Scarlet smacked Jack'O. Jack'O pulled out a Reinfeld 880 from his pocket and shot her. This caused her to turn into a reptilian. "HAHAHAHWH I AM ILLUMINATI LIZARD" she screamed and tried to chomp at Jack. Jack'O shot her in the lizard crotch and this made her explode. "Good riddance." Jack'O said and spit on her corpse, which had a giant gaping hole on it from the explosion. Mr Clean appeared and cleaned the lizard organs off Jack'O. "Except for me, Sony put me here" Spider Man said and teared up. John Cena comforted him while Commander Shepard cooked hotdogs. "Where are we?" Jack'O asked, looked around. "A Brethren Moon. And HOLY SHIT ITS HEADING STRAIGHT TO EARF" Isaac Clarke shouted as he saw Earth come into view from the horizon. "What" "bad things" "oh" "Apparently, on this moon, there is a graveyard of dead Markers. In that yard, there is a pair of blades protected by a super mutant. I came here to kill that mutant." The Enclave soldier from earlier claimed. "I just came here to make hotdogs for everybody!" Commander Shepard said cheerfully as he gave a hotdog to Noah Maxwell. Kk Mother turned up the heat on the stove. She threw a piece of butter in the pan, poured in some vegetable oil (The President, Bolbi Stroganovsky, made eating hotdogs covered in vegetable oil legal recently), poured in some red wine, and then finally threw in a pack of hotdogs. As Father disappeared again, she had to take care of everyone and everything. She put the hotdogs on buns and let the kids add whatever they wanted. Josh put on some wasabi, chopped ghost pepper, a teaspoon of Tabasco sauce, and then drenched it in vegetable oil. Because he's stupid. He also filled up a glass with vegetable oil and claimed it as his drink. Sister just put a bunch of Japanese shit on it, and I'm too lazy to write the rest. But Golden Pasta dropped his into a bowl of buttered angel hair pasta and sprinkled some shredded gold he got from robbing a bank on it. Mother switched on Toy Story, a movie they all enjoyed, and let the couch eat her. Not literally. Nor sexually. After they ate, they all returned to their rooms. Except Golden Pasta, who went to buy a new lightsaber crystal. Rip Pooper fed his secret pet xenomorphs, Sister Pooper (being a weebfag) read the mangos, Emily Pooper read things, and things did things. Kk kk Category:Blog posts